People often ask the meaning behind the imagery in my arm tattoo. While the piece has a lot of meaning and association behind it, it isn’t a simple question to answer. However, for those who are curious–here is an attempt to answer that question.
This is the original arch sketch I made on Easter Sunday 2005, while attending service at Christ's Church, Oxford UK
Arches:
I went to Europe in 2005 to study abroad. We had five weeks of classes at an Oxford University and then three weeks traveling throughout France, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, German and the Czech Republic. On Easter Sunday, we attended a service at Christ’s Church in Oxford. The service was a beautiful experience. I have my issues with organized religion, but all that felt irrelevant at that moment. I sketched the architecture during the service, a visual means to capture a moment as I enjoyed the gorgeous architecture, felt the word of God, felt briefly at peace with my inner uncertainty, and ultimately an attempt to embrace beauty of the my experiences contributing to my healthier changing state of mind.
Cat:
I bought Isabelle about a month and a half after I got married. She has one green eye and one blue eye, and prefers to drink her water out of a martini glass by the sink. She is a calico Cornish Rex with a marking that looks like a chocolate ice-cream cone on her side.
My husband and I had spent two weeks together after our wedding over Christmas break before I had to return to finish my last semester of college, and he deployed to Korea for a year. I didn’t see my husband again for seven months, and then I had a month with him before he left again for another five months to finish his time in Korea.
Isabelle playing in a plastic bag.
Isabelle was my first cat, and the first animal that was really mine. She is an amazing creature, and a comfort that I can’t even explain during one of the most difficult, lonely and confusing years of my life. I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Fine Arts and an Art History minor. I then had a half a year to figure out what to do with myself before we moved to England and I would finally be able to begin building a life with my husband. I struggled with my depression. My husband was very busy in Korea, and I felt lonely and neglected, at a complete loss about marriage and for several months I expected we would be getting a divorce. When I was still in school, I felt more isolated from a lot of my friends—after I was married, my single friends didn’t invite me out to the bars, and since I had no significant other with me, my coupled friends tended to not include me either.
Isabelle slept curled up to my chest, if I rolled over, she would wake up, walk around me and curl up once again by my chest. She knew her name. She would meow if I called out, asking where she was, she met me at the door when I came home from work. That beautiful animal made everything seem much less lonely and empty.
Sadly, when we moved to the UK, I had to leave her with my parents. But they love her as much as I do, and she has her sister to play with (she is from the same breeder, but a different litter)—they make an adorable pair. And while it was very hard for me to leave her, I know she is very happy there.
Calla-Lilly:
I simply love them. They have an elegant aesthetic.
Window:
The window is based on a memory I had of looking up to this simple window pane in Italy while traveling through Tuscany. It had an uncomplicated beauty that made me appreciate the passing moments, my growing confidence, my freedom after my boyfriend of two years and I broke up (while I was currently abroad) and a budding happiness I discovered in myself.
Green Apple:
Once my husband and I were curled up on the couch listening to records, he played Frank Sinatra’s “Little Green Apples” because it reminded him of me. He said our love isn’t like theirs, but we love in our own way, and it is all those little idiosyncratic things that are meaningful in a marriage. I have found my favorite memories of him are those little things we do together, like make waffles on Sunday morning, sit by the fireplace or play with our dog in the yard. Marriage is a lot of work, but thus far, somehow, we have made it work. He is my favorite human.
Fish:
I have several friends whose faith and conviction I find truly inspiring. There are times, that I am consumed with sadness over the state of our planet, the atrocities of which humans are capable. Their faith in life, Jesus, a deeper good in humans, helps me to remember the good things around me– the beautiful things in the world despite the feelings of hopelessness. I doubt they even know the positive effect they have had on me, but they help to restore my faith in something much greater than myself.
Clover:
I remember sitting in the front yard with my mother, on a sunny day with I was very young. She mentioned that she had always been able to spot a four-leafed clover in a patch of clovers. I don’t remember if she found one that day. I am assuming she did, because that would have probably been why she mentioned it. Since then clovers have reminded me of her. She can also wiggle her nose. I can too.
My husband’s family if primarily of Irish decent, and like most Americans with Irish heritage he is very proud of it. So, of course, they also remind me of him.
Mountains/Wheat:
I grew up in Montana. While, I doubt I will ever return there to live–as a contemporary artist, Montana as little offer. However, it will always hold a special place in my heart. I hadn’t realized how rare vast, beautiful, natural open spaces seem to be. There are still times when I am driving on long stretches of road or I come across the scent of a flower or the scent of fresh rain and it reminds me of home.
Moon:
During the second half of my year waiting for my husband’s deployment to end, I moved back to Montana to be closer to family before I moved overseas. One of my best friends from college moved with me. He had never lived anywhere other than Bemidji and wanted to try venturing out on his own—but not alone. He is gay—I mention this, not because his sexual orientation is particularly important, but it does explain why my husband had no objects to me living with another man.
We ended up in a very unpleasant living situation with our third roommate. Despite those difficult and occasionally scary circumstances we shared moments and memories that still mean the world to me. The smell of Bath & Body works Sensual Amber still reminds me of him. On occasion men will walk past me on the street or in the tube station wearing the same cologne as Ben’s, and it makes me happy.
We would dance around our kitchen. We would go out dancing at the bars. We shared an addiction to The L Word. He would read his poetry homework to Isabelle on the sofa while I was at work. We would get margaritas and free queso while he won at Keno—I would pick some of his numbers though. I don’t play Keno—because I am not good at gambling, so I don’t try to be.
This is only the most recent of my wonderful months spent with him, which doesn’t even begin to touch on the amazing times we had in college.
He took the first nude photos of me.
Snail Shell:
I have met two lovely women from North Dakota. One was my first friend I met in college; the other is her closest friend from
Finely. Sam and I went to the ARC for free cupcakes during my first week of college and we were friends since. She is a beautiful girl who came from a small town. We saw each other grow from naive eighteen-year-olds to real adults with significant things like jobs and our own apartments. She used to play guitar and her music was delightful.
Once she made a list of the names of all the people she knew.
Ariel is a unique treasure all her own. She sees beauty in everything. She loves nature, and has an infinite faith is humanitythat I can’t even comprehend. Every moment spent with her is a gift. Words can’t even adequately describe her. But just thinking of her makes me smile.
Sometimes, my mind don’t shape and shift-but most of the time, it does.-Fiona Apple
I still remember the morning we woke up at 3:30am. Casey finished packing his deployment gear in the car, as I lazily put on some pathetic semblance of these-are-suitable-to-wear-outside-the-house-at-4am-clothes. We arrived at the base and waited for the 4:30am bus to take him to the airport. I tried not to be sad, as I didn’t want to make him feel anymore sad. I was blessed that he was headed to somewhere relatively safe. Rain fell on our windshield in the dark January morning, as we listened to music, pet Soup and laughed with each other, despite an undertone of melancholy. The dog and I drove home sleepy and alone. We got back into bed and Soupy nestled in Casey’s half of the bed, which she had already claimed as her own. Our six months alone had begun.
Here I am on another sunny morning with my husband’s deployment is nearing an end. It hasn’t been wonderful in his absence, but life has been perfectly acceptable. I think any military spouse understands the strange emotional dichotomy that takes over during any substantial deployment. There is an inevitable sadness at the temporary loss of one’s partner and frustration with the complete disruption of daily routine. In turn, a positive and focused frame of mind must emerge to avoid this sadness from completely overtaking one’s daily life. There is a sense of independence and self-sufficiency that occurs when left to one’s own devices for several months. My daily routines have converted to my own preferences. I can do dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. when I feel inclined. This combined with self-employment have allowed me to wake up when I choose, and work well into the night, since I have no need to take another person’s schedule into account. Something in this combination can be fulfilling in its own way.
